It's eleven at night, a time that has shifted in purpose over the last few years. Right this moment, I'm claiming it to write about the cache of topics on my brain. I hear that the brain can only prioritize four things, so here are the four that spark the brightest:
It's unbeknownst to me why this is at the top of my priority list. I don't have clear intentions for this thought, what's happening mostly is that my kid has toys that I like a whole lot and I'm thankful to get to be a parent so I can play with her toys. My favorites are her Gameboy, her magnets, the perler bead monsters, and miniature food-shaped toys.
Having A Second Kid
I'm back to myself, which I didn't realize I didn't have until I went through a solid year of self-loathing at 28. We've been trying to get pregnant for nine months, now, and I've had three miscarriages so far. I might have something living inside my body, I might have something trying to live that's going to die because my uterus shuts the whole thing down. Parts of me wish I kept a pregnancy blog so I could tell the difference between PMS and early pregnancy. Parts of me know I'm not so thick when it comes to my own physiological awareness but I like to pretend I am so I can sit up for hours poring through pregnant lady threads like I haven't been through miscarriages six times before.
I designed a print that says "Binary is for computers." I drew it, I just need to print it. I don't have the money to print it, but spending the money I don't have to buy screenprinting supplies might mean an item I can sell at a lower price point that's speedy to make. It also might mean I am drowning in giving myself more tasks when I want more time and want others to be doing the tasks. I need to write down a three-year plan to move towards manufacturing. I need to give myself a solid hour of creation time every day, it should be in the morning when I'm snuggling Iris. 7AM-8AM? Sounds to me like screenprinting is like making croissants, so I need less vacant hours to schedule in piecing this shit together. I can't bring myself to buy new ink for my printer, so getting myself to get a screenprinting system together is unfathomable. Unless I write it down. Right here. And then fill out my damn planner that I've been avoiding out of terror of progress.
Help I'm Poor
Oh yeah! This one. End of first year of the shop being open, we made 24,000 but had 23,000 in expenses so this last year we dug pretty far into credit cards because usually I bring in about $5,000 to help with groceries throughout the year. It hurts my head and heart and entire body to consider how much I need to work to be able to make enough money to pay myself minimum wage. All I could think this last year is that I would have been able to pay down an entire credit card if we didn't have the brick-and-mortar. We still have a year and a half on our lease, though, so until then we'll definitely be open. The little shop is the cutest shop. Might transition back into the house afterwards and work solely online and force myself to go out in public to stave off depression, revise our biz model, transform. I am in love with the idea of a family business, but I'm also in love with the idea of having a few kids and homeschooling them and I don't know if I can be a fucking superhero and do that. Iris works at the shop with me every day, but I can't imagine slinging another tiny person to my back and chugging along. Chug. Chug. Ug.
Woah. New top of the queue items:
I Have So Many Crushes: Kristen Stewart. I'm super crushing on her right this second. Dreaming of Christian Bale. My own sexuality seems like something I shouldn't have to analyze too much because I am married to a woman, but there it is, all the time, every day.
I'm An Actor and that's Confusing: Confusing because I am getting alright at working on mini scenes for under-fives and also because I'm moving towards working on things I enjoy and sort of align with me. Except for a Lifetime movie I didn't know I worked on.
The Farmers' Market and the Shop are both on Saturday: We need to be open Saturdays so I need to have so much goodses.
I'm Watching Movies and TV Shows Again: Right now The Clouds of Sils Maria. Just finished The Handmaid's Tale. Last December I watched approximately 50 movies for nominating SAG movies. Watched Easy. Black Mirror.
And next four?
My brother is still sober! Parenting two siblings: My little brother has 90 days clean today, he is living with us, and I'm fucking thankful he's still around. A few months ago, my sister's boyfriend killed himself with heroin after decades of sobriety (we didn't know he had a past until after his death). I miss him, we spent the last year with him and it's hard for me to enjoy reading Harry Potter news and even thinking politics. He was so fucking smart and bizarre and depressed. This relates to my brother because he was involved with scoring for Adam in the days leading up to Adam's suicide. Drake is here, and I don't know how much guilt he has over Adam's death but I somehow feel responsible simply for not inviting him over to dinner more. Also, my 16-year-old sister is living with us. She dropped out of high school in September and I helped get her enrolled in an online school. She's with us 3-4 days a week working. I had to teach her how to write a 5-paragraph essay, she'd never written an essay before in her life.
My home is artless: It is, mostly. So many blank walls. Do I create the art? Am I too paralyzed by self-doubt to do anything? yes yes yesy yesyesy esys eys
My hands are guitarless: The calloused parts of my hands are hardened from fabric, not strings. I'm not particularly skilled, but maybe I'm actually not bad or maybe this comes back to the self-doubt thing
I miss making music: It's true. I'm working on singing less off-key.
I will not touch my cervix: A thing hard to do when you know your cervix slides up really far in your body the moment you are pregnant but you are trying to not think about pregnancy because you're probably going to miscarry.
I am crushing on Weird Al today: Crushing on everyone today. Crushing on all my friends, on everyone I see on television. Wanting to kiss every human I interact with.
Women have mental illness, too: A woman soundlessly mouthed a stream of words at me while shaking all the garments in the shop, unfolded things, hit things, folded things back up, eyeballs making direct contact with my own for a solid five minutes before she walked out. I saw the Octopussy woman at the grocery store a week ago, which confirmed that she is a real living being. She was my first customer. She asked for my name. I responded. I asked for hers. She said, "I go by no name."
Kristen Stewart is my favorite actress: Tonight, anyway. Am currently crushing on her voice, her subtlety, her face, her eyes.
Down the list!
I have a crush on Kristen Stewart: Yea